1025AFC061810
Not just any old Aloha Friday ….
Philippians 4:4
NAB: Rejoice in the Lord always. I shall say it again: rejoice! KJV: Rejoice in the Lord always: and again I say, Rejoice.
One of the greatest things I have learned about getting OLD is that the older I get, the longer I live, and the happier I am about everything. I enjoy telling the same old stories, and enjoy hearing people laugh at them. Speaking of old stories …
~~”Old” Stories~~
Those of us who are “of a certain age” know first-hand that getting old is no picnic. Here is a short collection of some of our favorite “old” jokes.
<<+>>
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple’s house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, “Last night we went to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.”
The other man said, “What is the name of the restaurant?”
The first man thought and thought and finally said, “What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know… the one that’s red and has thorns.”
“Do you mean a rose?”
“Yes, that’s the one,” replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, “ROSE, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to last night?”
<<+>>
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed, with a suitcase at his feet who insisted he didn’t need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about “Rules being Rules,” he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
“I don’t know,” he said. “She’s still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.”
<<+>>
A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they’re physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember. Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.
“Want anything while I’m in the kitchen?” he asks.
“Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?”
“Sure.” he answered.
“Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?” she asks.
“No, I can remember it.”
“Well, I’d like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so’s not to forget it?”
He says, “I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.”
“I’d also like whipped cream. I’m certain you’ll forget that, write it down??” she asks.
Irritated, he says, “I don’t need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream. I GOT IT, for goodness sake!” Then he toddles into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment, and then says, “So! Where’s my toast?”
<<+>>
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: “So, I hear you’re getting married?”
“Yep!”
“Do I know her?”
“Nope!”
“This woman, is she good looking?”
“Not really.”
“Is she a good cook?”
“Naw, she can’t cook too well.”
“Does she have lots of money?”
“Nope! Poor as a church mouse.”
“Well, then, is she good in bed?”
“I don’t know, and I don’t care.”
“Why in the world, do you want to marry her, then?”
“Because she can still drive!”
<<+>>
Three old guys are out walking. First one says, “Windy, isn’t it?” Second one says, “No, it’s Thursday!” Third one says, “So am I. Let’s go get a beer!”
<<+>>
A man was telling his neighbor, “I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it is state of the art. It’s perfect.”
“Really,” answered the neighbor. “What kind is it?”
“Twelve thirty.”
<<+>>
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous, young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, “You’re really doing great, aren’t you?”
Morris replied, “Just doing what you said, Doc: ‘Get a hot Mamma and be cheerful.’”
The doctor said, “I didn’t say that. I said, ‘You’ve got a heart murmur, be careful.’”
<<+>>
Back in the days of the Old Wild West a sweet little old lady is riding on the train going through Utah. She is sitting next to the window and seated on the other side is a cowboy. Suddenly she taps him on the arm and excitedly points out the window. “Look at that bunch of bison!” she exclaims.
“Not ‘bunch’ ma’am. ‘Herd.’”
“Heard of what?”
“Herd of buffalo.”
“Of course I’ve heard of buffalo!”
“Sorry ma’am. I meant a buffalo herd.”
“Well, what should I care what a buffalo heard? I haven’t got any secrets from a buffalo!”
<<+>>
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, ‘How old was your husband?’ ’98,’ she replied. ‘Two years older than me’ ‘So you’re 96,’ the undertaker commented. She responded, ‘Hardly worth going home, is it?
<<+>>
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: ‘And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?’ the reporter asked. She simply replied, ‘No peer pressure.’
<<+>>
I’ve sure gotten old! I’ve had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes I’m half blind, can’t hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can’t remember if I’m 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver’s license.
<<+>>
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor’s permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
<<+>>
An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. ‘Wal-Mart?’ the preacher exclaimed. ‘Why Wal-Mart?’ ‘Then I’ll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week!’
<<+>>
My memory’s not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory’s not as sharp as it used to be.
<<+>>
Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
<<+>>
It’s scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker!
<<+>>
These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, ‘For fast relief.’
<<+>>
God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
ALWAYS REMEMBER THIS: You don’t stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stop laughing.
AND OF COURSE ALWAYS REMEMBER I LOVE YOU!!
chick
(Now, quick, go look up Ephesians chapter 4 and memorize verse 32 please and thank you.)
Speaking of OLD STORY stories … From William Howard Doan in 1867:
1 Tell me the old, old story,
Of unseen things above,
Of Jesus and His glory,
Of Jesus and His love;
Tell me the story simply,
As to a little child,
For I am weak and weary,
And helpless and defiled.
Chorus: Tell me the old, old story,
Tell me the old, old story,
Tell me the old, old story,
Of Jesus and His love.
2 Tell me the story slowly,
That I may take it in–
That wonderful redemption,
God’s remedy for sin;
Tell me the story often,
For I forget so soon,
The “early dew” of morning
Has passed away at noon.
3 Tell me the story softly,
With earnest tones and grave;
Remember I’m the sinner
Whom Jesus came to save;
Tell me the story always,
If you would really be,
In any time of trouble,
A comforter to me.
4 Tell me the same old story,
When you have cause to fear
That this world’s empty glory
Is costing me too dear;
And when the Lord’s bright glory
Is dawning on my soul,
Tell me the old, old story:
“Christ Jesus makes thee whole.”
Same Old Story. Gets me every time!! Plenty reason to REJOICE!!
Make it a great day, Beloved. I’ll see you again soon 🙂 ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥
Whatever, whenever, wherever, whoever, however, if ever, forever — at your service.
chick
If the link did’t work, try pasting this inbto your browser
http://lyricsondemand.com/miscellaneouslyrics/christianlyrics/tellmetheoldoldstorylyrics.html
